Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never mess with a drunken pig.

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

Me :

All Day At Night

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

Stop.

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.