Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.