Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

Accidentally wore a blue shirt to Walmart and now I’m in the stockroom showing Sue how to use the forklift.

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor