Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags