Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.