Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

aura

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?