*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
You Might Also Like
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
me refusing to leave twitter
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
