Feels like the fourth month in January
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“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.