Feels like the fourth month in January
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Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”