Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

Facebook memories be like

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

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