Feels like there should be a middle ground
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A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”