Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
You Might Also Like
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.