Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
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Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
🌱🌱🌱
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot