Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

Webb. James Webb.

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.