Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
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Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
This is my favorite one of these!
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Can confirm.
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?