Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

Bruh

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”