“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
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The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.