*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
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If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
They must have gotten it to go.
