*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
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@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
the answer was staring at me all along
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
adding to the discourse
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.