*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
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dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.