*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
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ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes