Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

The doctor asked the 3s what their favorite vegetable was at their physical today.
3B told him bananas.
3A told him cheese.

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.