Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”

about to have the best blueberries of my life

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.