Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.