Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

🙂🙃🥹

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island