*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
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OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles