*feels the wind in my toe hair
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Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
BaD BoY!!
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh