* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
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4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”