* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
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My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
on da cob, we all corn
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan