Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…