Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

Home #decor warning.

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.

WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.