Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
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This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
translated into Canadian
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Boom, boom, ching!
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
#Caturday
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions