Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
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One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.