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Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Frog purse.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.