It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
How do horror writers compete with current events?
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: