Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
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Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans