feetloaf
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.