feetloaf
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Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.