feetloaf
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All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I only treason on days ending in y
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite