Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.

*youngest comes home from school with the flu*

Me: Not like that.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.