Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

Boom, boom, ching!

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?