Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
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business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Oh. My. God.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life