Happy Halloween 🎃
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I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”