Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: have you tried meditation?

Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body

Therapist: that’s dissociation

Me: potato, potato

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms