Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
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If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
More like Kate Missington.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I am never leaving this website
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too