Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

it’s not been my year

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances