Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*