Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.