Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
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there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
The fall of Netflix
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
just gave your address to some spiders
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo