Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
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Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.