Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
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[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.