Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
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ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.