Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
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Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?