Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
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[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Van Gone
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please