Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

This January has 47 Mondays

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

unbelievably distressed by this ad

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.