Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
You Might Also Like
when you don’t want to be too vague
There is no “we” in chocolate.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion