Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
You Might Also Like
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.