Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
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Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential