If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
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I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.