Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
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roman lesbians: *caesaring*
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
Heroic Misunderstanding
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Just organising my finances.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix