Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*