Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
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Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.