Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank