fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
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SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.