fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
“you changed” bro i was 15
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Wait a second…
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate