fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
they see me scrollin
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Hotels are back
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.