fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work