Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🥴😂

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright