fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
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Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Social Media and Real life
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.