Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad