Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
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Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
When you put it that way… 😂
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years