Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
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Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
step 6: release the wall snake
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
If a roomba and a swiffer had a baby, my goodness wouldn’t the house be clean.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]