Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

This kinda thing happens to me often

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?