Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

But that’s none of my business

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

if my sleeping schedule was a person

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.